In healthy relationships of any kind, both people give and receive relatively equally and retain their own identities. But in codependent relationships, there is an unhealthy relationship with a giver and taker in which the giver relies on their taker to excessively define their identity and shows more responsibility to the taker than themselves. The responsible giver sacrifices their own needs for the taker and takes on their responsibilities to feel needed. Their help may enable toxic behavior such as substance use or emotional abuse, avoid negative consequences of the behavior, and delay recovery. Meanwhile, the giver may put aside their needs from high levels of empathy and care, low self-esteem, people-pleasing, poor boundaries, and culture’s definition of women’s roles based on insecure attachments in childhood or childhood emotional abuse leading to anxiety about relationships. The giver, who needs to be needed, ends up exhausted and dissatisfied with the relationship.
Signs of codependence include walking on eggshells, being the one who regularly apologizes, feeling sorry for the other person when they hurt you, helping in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, needing the other person’s approval, feeling like you lost yourself in the relationship, having difficulty leaving the relationship due to the taker relying on them, and putting the other person on a pedestal.
Overcoming codependency involves becoming aware of your behaviors. Work to build your self-esteem and focus on yourself outside of the relationship: hobbies and friendships, for example. Practice standing up for yourself and saying no.
Deb Falzoi
trauma, therapy, adhd, emdr, ptsd, grief, loss, sad, bullying, school, feelings, therapist, worcester, holden, shrewsbury, work, stress, anxious, anxiety, childhood, boundaries, addiction, relationship, coping, boston, anxiety, depression, adoption, emotions, mental health, divorce, perfectionism, college, student, teen, cbt, dbt, ipt, behavioral, panic, attack, codependency, west boylston, rutland, paxton, boylston, clinton, sterling, princeton, hubbardston, lancaster, central massachusetts, massachusetts