Boundaries put a healthy wall between you and someone who shows toxic behavior. Think of healthy boundaries like a cat’s mentality. Unlike dogs, who are thirsty for affection, cats set their own rules about how they live. Our goals with boundaries are similar: we want to separate ourselves from those who harm us.
Our upbringings affect our comfort and practice with setting boundaries. In healthy upbringings, we understand we’re separate from our environments. We’re taught independence to fend for ourselves and dependence on our families for comfort in tough times. We’re taught to name our feelings and express them to minimize our stress. Without this stable foundation, we may be more vulnerable to the influence of others and dependent on others to define us and our feelings. When passive or authoritarian parents focus too much on themselves and their needs, we may feel like our feelings don’t matter. Dismissal of our feelings may become the norm, and we may be more susceptible to feelings of worthlessness when we believe criticism from others.
But there’s hope. We don’t have to resign ourselves to what happened during our childhoods. We can develop our senses of selves by defining our own identities and feelings. We can use assertiveness to protect our inner selves.
Assertiveness is the confident, healthy alternative to passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive communication.
Passive says: I respect you but not me.
Aggressive says: I respect me but not you.
Passive-aggressive says: I respect neither me nor you.
Assertive says: I respect me and you.
Assertive people:
- Accept personal responsibility for themselves but not others.
- Understand they have control, so they don’t feel like victims.
- Distinguish between genuine and imagined threats.
- Regulate their emotions.
- Know their options to fix the problem.
- Don’t feel personally attacked.
- Don’t hold feelings in, so they don’t let frustration build up.
Practicing assertiveness will help you feel less stress, shame, guilt, and resentment.
- If you’re passive: Practice overcoming the need to be nice, a fear of confrontation, and a sensitivity to criticism.
- If you’re aggressive: Learn self-restraint, understand you’re not better than others, and develop empathy for others.
Assertiveness involves three steps:
- State the specific problem using “I” statements, assertive words, and high-esteem body language.
- State the reason why it doesn’t work.
- State the solution to the problem.
Here’s the formula:
X happens. Here’s why it doesn’t work: y. What I would like is z. Can you do this? If no, ask why. Confirm the agreement when it gets violated.
Example:
- State the problem: “Matt, could I talk to you for a second? At our meeting this morning, I noticed several times when I spoke that you smirked. At one point, you rolled your eyes to Rob.’”
- State the reason this doesn’t work: “This behavior undermines respect from other team members.”
- State the solution: “If you don’t like what I said, let me know your issue now or even in front of the group at the next staff meeting so I have a chance to defend myself. But please stop disrespecting me in meetings.”
Notice there was only a clear and concise presentation of specific facts of one behavior (rather than sweeping generalizations) and a clear solution. There was no name-calling, blaming, excuses, expression of feelings, or wishy-washy phrases like “I think” or “I wish.”
You deserve to get your needs met.
Deb Falzoi
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