Radical acceptance allows us to tolerate distress so it doesn’t cause suffering. Denial of distress can keep us focused on what we can’t change — unfairness — while “it is what it is” can prevent us from denying our situation. Staying focused on unfairness can leave us bitter, angry, and sad, while accepting the unfairness can feel freeing, giving us back time and energy to focus on coping and self-care.
We can identify our denial of reality by noticing when we use “should” to describe a situation, as in “it should be different.” If the reality can’t be changed, we can remind ourselves of that reality and what caused it. Assessing the pros and cons of accepting the situation and our readiness for accepting it can help us prepare for acceptance. We can develop statements we can say to ourselves to accept the situation, focus on self-compassion, and accept imperfections such as “No one has all the answers. I want to learn from my mistakes and am proud of myself of taking a risk,” “I am enough and deserve happiness and love,” or “I want to honor my need for rest.” We can act as though we’ve accepted reality, accept the emotions that crop up, and remind ourselves life is worth living even with the pain.
By gradually focusing less on the unfairness and more on our needs, we will lean on what we can control to improve our mood.
Deb Falzoi
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